Saw a transvestite begging on the road today. If you are in namma Bengaluru and stuck at a traffic signal at some busy crossing, then it's a pretty common site. I mean, I see the same person begging everyday and now I guess she'd have recognized my face and labeled it ( the haughty fellow who never gives even a penny !!). God knows I've had some pretty harrowing experiences with this section of the society. I don't know why the sight of a transvestite begging and making unseemly gestures and remarks, makes me impassive.
Its not that I'm against them or something, or that I hold any sort of prejudice against them. Its just the way they behave and treat themselves, like they have no self respect. I remember, once during a train journey in U.P, i heard a transvestite saying - " arey !! humare saath to bhagwaan ne hi mazaak kiya hai, ab aap bhi karoge ?" 
I mean c'mon, what the f*** !! If you don't respect yourself & take pride in who you are and what you are, how can you expect others to respect you? Respect has to be earned. If you want an equal status in society, well here's the news flash - you'll have to work for it. No one is going to hand it over to you or drop it off the car window into your aanchal at any Bengaluru traffic signal.
I know its a two way road and to some extent ( well actually to a large extent) the society is responsible for your plight. But honestly, have you ever sincerely wanted to change it? If you want people to accept you for who you are, then stop acting like someone or something you aren't. Start being who you are, and I am sure what you are is much more than the roadside beggar/harasser.
For once don't be a thing, I know you don't think yourselves as one. Try being the real person you are -  for once. 

What's stopping You?

A very simple question and one I can't find the answer of. I've wrecked my brains trying to figure out one reason, one plausible explanation and till now i have come up with nothing..blank. All the exercises just lead to one conclusion- the one I detest 'cause i know, deep within, that it's true. And the conclusion is nothing . To this day I had managed to run away from the question itself, lest the answer, I had managed to hide my inadequacy behind various veils and then  all of a sudden, all the veils were torn down. My friend asked me this question and the nightmares began. 
I realized ( well actually I already knew), that I am the only one in my way, the only one stopping myself. and because it is true, I hate this realization. the new question is- what am I going to do now ? well, honestly I don't know. I don't know how do I start and where do I start. After all its not easy to fight yourself.   

Contrast

Read  this  on Friday morning.

Had a cheese burst pizza the same night. Didn't like it very much. cribbed about it to everyone I could catch hold of. cost of one meal - around 350 bucks.

I didn.t believe in Gandhiji's talisman, neither its relevance nor its significance.. I'm beginning to understand it now.

I Love You

I love you... I love you so much....
I've loved you ever since,
I gained consciousness of who I am .
I was nothing before you, 
I am nothing without you.

You are my life , my breath, my sustenance.
Without you I am but a shadow, a wraith,
You are my light, 
my source of existence.


I love you from the deepest of depths,
with feelings so intense, that I can no longer resist 
the whirlpool that pulls me down, 
In your love, I want to drown..


Yes I'm crazy, Yes I'm insane,
I love you , I want you, I have lusted for you..
and , Yes, denying any of this is vain.
For you I'll do anything, 
to get you, I'll stop at nothing.

My love for you is all consuming,
 This fire burns within me,
In this fire I constantly burn.

Ilove you with such a fervor
that I hate you for what I've become.

I Can't Say I Love you

If I acknowledge it, it becomes real,

And the chasm between us widens.

Atleast now I can see you

Be sure you'll listen if I call you.

But if I acknowledge it, It frightens me that i'll lose you.

My self is shattered in pieces,

Can you wait till I can collect them all?

Can you wait till I find myself,

till I can fill the gap.

Can you wait for me to reach you ?

I know it is too much to ask,

Can you forgive me when I say

That even though I do

I can't say I love you.

NOW

Just opened my fortune cookie on FB and it read - " Now is the time to try something new ". Sometimes I wonder whether really there is a psychic sitting at the other end of FB, processing my requests and telling me exactly what I want to hear. This isn't the first time its happening to me..!! maybe i'm a freak but honestly, its too many times to be just credited as a coincidence. I'm sure FB has some type of psychic mechanism or algorithm.....I wonder how they developed this algo., if at all there is an algo.,..what heuristics did they apply??? Damn this.advance algorithms course..every time I think about the word algorithm..I seem to get lost......

Sorry my bad!! I wandered from the topic at hand again (now you can see why I don't blog often). Getting back to the fortune cookie irrelevant of the fact whether there is a psychic at the other end or its just my mind twisting every word to find something meaningful, the thing is that the cookie was right..so damn right...

'Now' - its such a small, yet such a powerful word. Now describes everything - our past, our future and more importantly, our present, for it is in 'Now' that we live. The past and the future are both defined by what we do now. Infact when I think about it (thanks to one of my friend's status messages) we all, each of us have lived in this eternity, without realising that our share of eternity is now. So yes, now is the right time to try something new, and this gives me hope that at any point in my life I will always have the option of trying something new- beacuse my life is Now .....

Sometimes you are just amazed by the way life changes around you. One moment you think you have at least caught this dogs tail n second moment you are again chasing it. Life with all its vitality, all its vastness never ceases to amaze me. Its like you are in a river, with a flow so strong that you seem to lose all control over everything and just move with the flow. you see rapids n whirlpools around you and you know some of them are gonna get you and you don't have any option left other than facing them..and you decide..what the heck..come right on baby...

Well it was just a year ago, I wrote about the dove flying (post titled Adieu.) and now I, am the dove. Its time for me to move on. Am I excited..?? well kinda I am. I don't know what it is that I am moving on to, I mean, isn't it why thats exciting..? Right now my head is buzzing with a million things that I want to do , I wanna learn painting ( It's always been my dream) I wanna learn salsa..(big fan of salsa..) I wanna learn a music instrument..preferablly violin but even guitar would do. The point is..I can do a lot of things, not just fun or hobby, but anything and it's all thanks to Pilani. It is this place which has taught me what I want to do and what I don't. Am I sad to leave pilani..? no I am not. Its because of pilani I finally have the freedom in my life I always wanted. So i'm not sad to leave it, infact m looking forward to it. I will miss my friends though.. but then, hey...they are on a journey as well. And as I always say..."is choti si duniya me, is lambi si zindagi me..kabhi na kabhi to milna ho hi jaega..". So Adios Pilani...

I set afoot on an untread path,
With new hopes and dreams in my heart.
Where will it lead me? to happiness or sorrow..
But then that is to be found out 'morrow.
Today I just walk....
Today I just walk....